Looking Forward

In February we decided to make our first attempt at getting pregnant. I almost knew before hand that it would happen, and it did, the first try. I woke up the following morning just knowing that I had conceived in the night while I was sleeping. I cannot describe the feeling, but I knew, and my baby was such a bright light.

Eleven days later I tested positive on a pregnancy test. We were so excited. Our baby was due on November 17th, 2010. My pregnancy progressed well, or so I thought, until six weeks and six days along.

I woke up after a dream about my child – a little boy. I could sense his urgency in letting me know something very important. He wanted a name. We had girls names picked out already, but we hadn’t settled on boys names. He let me know it was important for him to have a name, and it was important for him to have it now.

I went into the ER the same day for pain in my side, afraid the pregnancy might be ectopic. After an agonizing nine-hour wait in the ER, we were finally taken back and I was given an ultrasound. My baby was fine. He was in the right spot, measured at six weeks and four days (not too bad, though not correct), and had a strong heartbeat at 120 beats per minute.

I adopted my first son, and never got to experience pregnancy before. I will never forget those few moments seeing my baby that first time. He was so beautiful and absolutely perfect. I’ve never seen anything quite like him. I could not stop staring at his tiny heartbeat. I felt so elated that after all this time thinking I could never be so lucky. I had actually helped to create physical life.

It was truly a defining moment for me – something I will remember every day. How could someone so small create the most beautiful moment of my life?

The doctor came in after the ultrasound, and told me that I also had a subchorionic hemorrhage, and that there was nothing I could do about it, just rest. I got home and looked the term up online. I found out that 90% of pregnancies with such a hemorrhage would result in healthy babies, so I tried hard not to worry. I still prayed that night for hours that God would let me keep my baby – I could not help but be scared.

The next day I started spotting, as the doctor told me I should expect with the hemorrhage. I thought, “Good, it will bleed out like it’s supposed to and the baby will be fine.” I didn’t think much of the bleeding until the next day, when the cramping got so bad that I was in tears.

We decided it would be best to go back to the ER. We went back almost right away, and they took me for another ultrasound. The ultrasound tech told me that the hemorrhage was gone, and that the baby was still there, although she would not show me the screen or comment about the heartbeat like she did last time. I think I knew it then.

When they took me back to the room, the doctor came in and told us that we’d had a miscarriage, and that our baby’s heart was no longer beating. We both broke down. We couldn’t believe that our baby was gone.

I refused to let them do a D&C; I couldn’t stand the thought of them sucking my baby out, and throwing his helpless body in the trash. I didn’t sleep that night until 3 am, and couldn’t stop crying the next few days. The day after the ER visit at around 1:30 pm, after passing increasingly large blood clots, I passed the baby while in the bathroom.

He floated to the bottom of the toilet. I got up and started crying. When A came in and saw me so upset, I told him that I could not just flush the baby away to the sewer. He put on some rubber gloves, and scooped him out and put him in the gift box that I gave to A containing our first positive pregnancy test.

I used to think that should I ever have a miscarriage, the child itself might be too grotesque to view. I was wrong about that. I needed to see him just once. He was so beautiful in my eyes, and always will be.He was still in his gestational sac, curled up in one corner, just like he was supposed to be.

I blew him a kiss, and we told him that we loved him and we’d see him again. A told me it would be okay, and that we would bury our baby, just like everyone else. We gave him a full name with very special meanings to us, and gave him his grandmother’s last name who died the same day seven years ago. We knew our baby had gone to Heaven in her arms.

We had to put our baby’s body in the freezer with no other way to preserve him for his burial. Putting him in there killed me all over again; I knew he wasn’t alive to feel it, but couldn’t bear the thought.

That same day we found the website for Heaven’s Gain. The ministry was so helpful to us. We haven’t yet encountered anyone so caring for our loss – someone who didn’t talk to us like we were crazy for needing to put our child in the ground. We will be forever grateful for your kindness.

Yesterday we received our baby’s casket in the mail. It was even more beautiful than I expected, and for the first time I’ve felt slightly better about laying our baby to rest, knowing that his body is well taken care of.

Today it has been a week since our baby passed away, and I managed to get through yesterday without crying. I know this will get better with time, but I also know that a day will never go by that I won’t think about my little one. Although I never want to experience this kind of pain again, it was well worth it to see his heartbeat that first and only time, and to know that I now have two children – one with me physically, and one watching over from Heaven. I know that my baby knew he would only be here a very short time, and that he had a purpose. I can live my life to the fullest, making him proud and knowing that when it’s my time to go, I can look forward to holding my beautiful baby in my arms for the first time.